How to Come Out as a Transgender Man to Family

 

If you’re reading this, before we dive into the tips I want to take a moment to recognize and hold space for you to celebrate this within yourself. You’re OFFICIALLY READY to learn how to come out as a transgender man or non-binary individual. This is an incredible time in your life, even if it sometimes seems terrifying, scary, or even sad.

Regardless of their reaction to this moment, don’t forget to remember this is a joyous moment for you and I implore you to keep others’ opinions of you and your opinions of yourself, separate.

IT’S TIME! You’ve been processing this feeling for quite some time and you’re thinking this word “transgender” might help you describe the way, the way you’ve been feeling. You are ready to share this with your loved ones and those you feel some of the closest connections to? There are many emotions in this process for both you and your family member and it’s imperative to keep a few things in mind.

• "When do I tell them?"

Once you are sure this is how you feel, it’s imperative that you do this at a time when you are both ready to receive positive and potentially negative feedback. If they’re really busy with life or having a hard day, wait til it’s a calmer day and moment. Feel out the moment and consider bringing up the topic of trans-rights or a celebrity who is transgender and see how they react. Get a feel for their response and this will help you navigate the next conversation. If you’re in a heated discussion, PLEASE WAIT. It might seem like the best “right hook” to tell them “well I am trans so...” but 90% of the time this is not the way and believe me when I tell you, you can’t have this conversation for the first time again.

• But How To Come Out as a Transgender Man or Non-Binary

This is a tougher answer. If you fear the reaction, consider giving them a letter letting them know your thoughts. You can choose to let them read it with you in person, or bring it to them and let them know to visit you in your room when they’re ready to talk. This might help curb any initial blurt-outs they might say unfiltered and not thinking of the consequences of hurtful words.

• Reactions:

You’ve researched how to come out as a transgender man or nonbinary person and now you’re ready for the next stage: navigating reactions. You know yourself and your family best and if you think it’s going to be a negative response, plan accordingly. You never want to put yourself in a situation where you fear for your safety. If that is the case, it may be better to tell them when you are able to plan for the worst case. While we hope for and some do get family who embraces us and loves us for who we are, it’s important to protect yourself and do some research to attempt to prevent negative outcomes.

• Moving forward

If you feel the conversation didn’t go well, try giving them time to process and retry at a better time. They may come to you when they’re ready to learn more about your feelings. This may include some PERSONAL questions. Remember they’re often coming from an outdated ideology of gender and might need more education. Please remember you don’t have to speak for the entire transgender community and can just be honest about your own feelings. You also NEVER have to answer anything you don’t want to or make you feel uncomfortable.

TIPS FOR TYPES OF FAMILY

Parents: 

This conversation might be the hardest depending on your family situation. Whether you are lovingly connected with your parent or estranged, I’ve found that you cannot turn off the want for your parents to love you. Whether this is the biological yearning that isn’t optional or because they’ve truly loved you unconditionally your whole life.

Keep in mind these are the people who brought you into this world and taught you to tie your shoes. Once upon a time, they said at a baby shower, “it doesn’t matter whether it’s a boy or a girl, we just want to love them!” Let’s hold onto the hope they might see it the  same way again one day. Let them take time to process this and in the meantime protect your heart and don’t force them to a stage they’re not ready to take yet.

Grandparents:

Often these people are extensions of our parents, but in an older generation. In this case, it might take more time or potentially never come to the place you hope. It’s important that they at least respect your feelings.

Siblings:

I’ve had siblings both embrace me and I’ve had siblings who never talked to me again. Time and extending an olive branch of peace every now and then is my strategy.

Extended Family:

I chose to have conversations with those in my extended family individually with those I was closest with and then posted on social media for those around me to know how I was feeling without having to have a million sudden conversations every time someone came into town.

Regardless of how you come out as a transgender man or non-binary person, please remember you are the one who lives your life day in and day out. You know yourself best and it’s important to prioritize your needs as an individual to be most comfortable in your skin. You are so strong and can do this!

Ps. Here are some additional resources for you to reach out if you’re in need:

Transgender people in crisis should contact the following resources: 

• The Trevor Project‘s 24/7/365 Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386) or TrevorChat, their online instant messaging option, or TrevorText, a text-based support option. If you are looking for peer support, you can visit TrevorSpace from anywhere in the world.

• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255)

• Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860

About the Author: Aaron Capener

Hey new friend! I’m a transgender content creator and media business owner in a small town in Tennessee. I feel especially called to share my experiences to help other people learn how to also live their lives as their most authentic selves. I’ve been on testosterone since 2017, had top surgery in 2023 and have been using these experiences to share guidance with those in need around me. Married, and now a father, I’m so thankful to have made it to the place in my life I thought was impossible to reach. And now I’m ready to help others achieve the same happiness that everyone is worthy of.